Relationships and closeness
Relationships and closeness
As I sit on my laptop
to write this article, I have had a lot of relationships spoiled being too
close to or too distant from people. I hope your social and personal life is
all “well” and “good” as you’re reading this but if it is not, it’s alright
you’re not alone. Relationships or dealing with people must have never been
easier but as I’m growing older, my friend/relative circle is shrinking too.
I’m not sure if it is a problem with me or the world around but finding genuine
people who do not wish bad if not good for others has been a struggle lately.
And in instances when I do not find any, I decide to stay alone. But is
boycotting everyone altogether who no longer inspires, serves, makes you grow
or feel happy the right solution?
Gaur Gopal Das, a
monk and an Indian lifestyle coach explains how to deal with toxic people with
an analogy of a young employee who was asked by his head human resources (HR)
officer to fill a glass of water to the brim and walk around the office 3 times
without spilling before quitting his job at a company where he felt the
environment was negative and uninspiring. The employee, convinced that it was
his last assignment anyways, decided to do the job sincerely and was so focused
on the glass of water that he reached back to the HR’s office indeed not
splashing a single drop. Adjusting our sail towards work and priorities is one
way to survive the storms of adversity and pessimism. If the situation is so
bad that we can’t take it anymore, perhaps walking away is the right call.
However, one must not forget that new places will have unique challenges and novel
people to deal with.
Acharya Shri 108
Krishnamaniji Maharaj, the religious head of Shri Krishna Pranami Community
mentions that our brains have mental impressions, cultures, and values(sanskars)
from many births and rebirths that can manifest in our behavior and everyday
lives. People feel insecure or indulge in bad-mouthing because they have pain
inside which is not oftentimes visible says Shivani Verma, another Indian
spiritual mentor better known as BK Shivani. The roots of the pain might be
tied to the feelings of inferiority complex, due to recent events or something
from childhood or even previous lives. Therefore, instead of judging someone
when they are speaking false and ill about you, try to understand them and be
humble. The only thing that is constant is change as Heraclitus once said. Thus,
take it as something that is not going to be there forever. Above all, do not
forget that you aren’t obliged to justify yourself to everyone. If you’re doing
good, there’s God to see and judge you.
Now arises the
question of how close should you be in a romantic relationship? In general, people
feel that the more we are closer to someone, the better the quality of
relationship and satisfaction. But more isn’t always the better says an article
published in the Journal of Social and Personal relationships by University
College London psychologist David Frost and San Francisco State University
psychologist Allen LeBlanc. The findings of the research suggest that the level
of relationship satisfaction depends on the degree of discrepancy between
actual and desired closeness of two people and not actual closeness. In
consonance with the researchers, closeness discrepancy arises when people are
closer than they would like to be i.e., when there isn’t enough distance in the
relationship. Or when they are too distant, meaning they aren’t as close as
they would like to be. Nevertheless, it brings unhappiness in a relationship.
Frost and LeBlanc
also found out what is referred to as “partner effect” for closeness
discrepancy, implying when one partner’s closeness needs weren’t met the other
partner reported lower quality of relationship which substantiated the researcher’s
hypothesis that closeness discrepancy emotions are contagious. So, it might not
be wise to set the benchmark for a perfect relationship as finding yourself in
others. In fact, results from this research and many others suggest that
couples are happiest in what is called the “Goldilocks Zone”, where needs of
both individuals are met just to the adequate amount. In addition, they are
going to love it even more when they work hard to fulfill each other’s needs.
Many times, closeness
discrepancy feelings aren’t communicated for years in relationships. Having
said that, it is completely normal for your partner to ask for some space. I
agree that it might sound intimidating or alarming at first place, especially
because of the conventional feelings of security associated with closeness.
However, we must have learned by now that conventional isn’t always right and once
you have figured out why they need space, it will be much easier to understand
and proceed further. With the passage of time, circumstances can change and so
can our priorities. And it is very important at some point in our lives to put career,
hobbies, or study first. As a matter of fact, if we look into the bigger
picture, space can help a relationship grow rather positively considering the
opportunities it provides to realize each other’s importance and support as
well as the spark and positivity it brings into our lives.
Yet, to make personal
space in a relationship work there are a few things that need to be kept in
mind. One of them is keeping it clear as to the duration and extent of space
needed, and how frequently you can check in while giving each other space. Like
for example, you can talk every Saturdays to touch base and discuss if the
space is really helping and communicate about any concerns. Similarly, people
can allocate designated periods for solitary moments such as engaging in
hobbies or self-care. Furthermore, the pair can set clear boundaries such as
having enough time to spend with friends or family, making decisions such as
going on a trip, etc. Finally, the duology could try changing their routine a
little bit. Sometimes, a tad of irregularity can help create the space people
need and reinstate the charm.
Life is not all roses
and relationships are not an exception. Everything in life has a purpose and every
person is different, making each relationship unique. Many a time we need to
respond instead of reacting to arguments or differences and see problems as a
learning opportunity. I’ll take this time to be grateful to every good and bad relationship
I have had with people over the years and look forward to creating and
amplifying heartfelt connections in the future.
References
https://www.brides.com/story/how-much-space-is-too-much-space-in-a-relationship
Thank you for your
time to read this article. 2023 has been a busy year for me, what about you?
Happy New Year 2024. I wish you a wonderful day/night. Take care :)
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